Here’s what to do instead
The moment that reminded me why comparison is so dangerous
Today, during a Music for Little Mozarts Level 1 recital, something small, but powerful, happened.
As the children stood together singing the Little School of Music song, one little boy reached out and gently took the hands of the children next to him. No one asked him to. No one planned it. It just… happened.
It was spontaneous. Innocent. Beautiful.
That moment said everything music is meant to say:
connection, belonging, shared experience.
When music gives you a physical reaction, a lump in your throat, a smile, tears, the urge to reach out, it has communicated something real. That child wasn’t “behind” or “ahead.” He wasn’t being compared. He was simply experiencing music.
And that’s where learning begins.
Why Comparison Feels Tempting
Why it backfires
Parents don’t compare because they’re trying to pressure their children.
They compare because they care.
They see:
- videos of 3-year-old piano prodigies
- 9-year-olds singing like Ariana Grande
- classmates who seem “ahead”
- cousins who practice more
- friends who “finished” faster
And a quiet worry creeps in:
“Is my child doing enough?”
“Are we behind?”
“Should we be pushing more?”
This is human. Our instinct is to copy and imitate when we don’t have a clear roadmap.
But development doesn’t work that way.
Everyone is Playing a Different Game
Music may be the shared board,
but no two students start on the same square.
Some children are working through:
- physical coordination
- fine motor development
- strength and endurance
- emotional regulation
- confidence
- learning differences
- medical challenges
Others may be academically advanced, naturally coordinated, or highly focused.
A non-verbal child singing a song for the first time
is just as extraordinary as a student performing at Carnegie Hall.
You cannot see someone else’s starting point, or their obstacles, by watching a performance.
That’s why comparison is not just unhelpful.
It’s inaccurate.
Development is Not About Speed
It’s About Strength
One of the biggest misconceptions in music education is that faster = better.
In reality:
- rushing creates gaps
- gaps create confusion
- confusion creates frustration
- frustration kills motivation
You may reach a “higher level” quickly, but with holes underneath.
As one of our teachers says so well:
“Do you want a high score, or a high level?”
A lower level mastered deeply will always outperform a higher level rushed through.
Why Standards Matter More Than Comparisons
At Little School of Music, we intentionally use standards-based programs, not competitive rankings.
Programs like:
- WorldStrides Heritage Festival
- Royal Conservatory of Music
- Rockschool
Students are measured against clear, achievable standards, not against each other.
This matters because:
- comparison creates anxiety
- standards create clarity
- clarity creates confidence
The question becomes:
“What does THIS student need to reach the next stage?”
Not:
“Why aren’t they like that other kid?”
A Real Story: When “Pushing Ahead” Almost Got in the Way
One of my trumpet students, Desmond, began lessons with very high expectations around advancement. His parents hoped he could start in the Royal Conservatory of Music (RCM) Certificate Program at a higher exam level to “move faster.”
Knowing the program inside and out, I strongly recommended he begin at Level 4, the highest appropriate entry point for where he truly was.
Why?
- to build all musicianship skills evenly
- to learn the exam structure
- to avoid unnecessary pressure
- to set him up for long-term success
The result?
Desmond earned National Gold Medals in both Level 4 and Level 5, and performed solo at Carnegie Hall in the RCM Celebration of Excellence Exclusive Recital.
Solid foundations made excellence possible.
When Comparison Hides What a Student Really Needs
Sometimes students don’t need:
- more pressure
- higher expectations
- faster advancement
They need:
- a new style of music
- a new perspective
- a new ensemble
- a new instrument
- a sense of belonging
This is why we say:
music evolves, and that’s healthy.
Changing teachers, instruments, or environments is not failure.
It’s growth.
What Comparison Teaches, and What We Want Instead
When children constantly compare themselves to others, they learn:
- success is external
- effort isn’t enough
- quitting is easier than struggling
But when they’re supported through the hard parts, they learn:
- resilience
- focus
- discipline
- self-trust
And perhaps most importantly:
“I can do hard things, if I don’t give up.”
That lesson lasts far beyond music.
The Better Question to Ask
Instead of:
“Why isn’t my child as advanced as ___?”
Try:
- Are they growing?
- Are they supported?
- Are they developing at a healthy pace?
- Do they feel safe, encouraged, and proud of their effort?
Because music is not a race.
It’s a relationship, with sound, with self, and with others.
Final Thought from Miss Mindy
There is no shortcut to development, and there doesn’t need to be.
When we stop comparing and start supporting,
children don’t just become better musicians.
They become stronger humans.
